Monday, May 16, 2005

A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO....

It's about 3:42am and I'm sitting here, engrossed in some movie called B. MONKEY (w/the smoldering hot ASIA ARGENTO). As I find myself getting caught up in this movie (as opposed to getting some much needed sleep), it suddenly dawns on me that I haven't had the chance to update the blog all weekend long. I don't think i've ever gone this long without jotting down something for you lot. But duty calls and for that, I must answer.

So, to review the events of the past weekend, here are some highlights (that I could remember at least- feel free to drop me a note to jog my memory):

* Sunday Afternoon hi-jinx w/NAPOLEON DYNAMITE and of all people, OLD FART. For those of you who are a bit out of the loop, OLD FART is the old guy who comes in whenever there's a beer special; he sits off alone and eats peanuts, watches the games on the TV, tell dirty jokes and occasionally falls asleep with his hands in his pants. He's always wearing a baseball cap and if he corners you for a conversation, be alert: he often times spits out peanut particles in mid-sentence.

In any case, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE was in the middle of telling a story to a random customer at the bar (as he is often wont to do), when OLD FART decided that he had to put his two cents in and tell a totally different random story all together. What happened next was something out of the HONEYMOONERS. These two knuckleheads first tried to out-do each other; Then NAPOLEON DYNAMITE yells out "you old f***, why don't you let me finish my g** d*** story! OLD FART (who's pushing 65, mind you), was stunned silent....for a moment, at which he then continued to finish his non-related story! Of course, everyone within earshot began to laugh uncontrollably as the two combatants gave each other the proverbial stare down.... NAPOLEON eventually got to finish his story, but the outburst was priceless.

* Saturday afternoon I found myself in a quandry. I was on my way to do the shift change at the bar. My Saturday afternoon bartender, (ALFRED E. NEWMAN-Mad Magazine) was busy playing social butterfly to his flock of groupies. I went inside, took care of my shift change duties and then went outside to hang out while awaiting the arrival of the evening staff. As I was going outside, I ran into ANGRY BLACK as he was coming inside. I asked him to come outside w/me so that we could catch up (and check out the lovely sights, of course). We get outside and he begins to tell a story when I all of a sudden found myself stopping him in mid-sentence; I happened to notice a large parcel of garbage piled up on the corner of the street. Now it wasn't your typical small bag of trash from say, Gristides or a deli. This was HUGE! Like someone was moving out-type of trash. Now this presents a problem. A). Trash like that isn't allowed on city streets, especially in Manhattan. B) The bar faced a risk of getting a MAJOR fine from the Dept. of Sanitation for trash that didn't belong to us. C)It was just plain gross. So while ANGRY BLACK was laughing at my dilemma, I attempted to see if I could find any telltale information that would lead me to find out who the culprit was who was dumping their shite on our corner. It definately looked like someone was moving out-my suspicions immediately led me to believe it may have been the GYPSIES who run the fortune telling stand a couple of doors down. They had a nasty habit of dumping their garbage on other people's property. However, I couldn't find the proof to back me up. I asked ALFRED if he noticed anyone leaving trash on the sidewalk- of course, he was clueless. OLD FART happened to be there, entertaining a lovely couple from Atlanta, so I asked him the same question. He didn't see anything either. So I never did find out who dumped the trash, and it ate away at me the whole freakin' night. Luckily for us, the trucks picked up the trash about 20 minutes before the Dept. of Sanitation Agent walked by, ticket book in hand.

Saturday Night was slower than normal for this time of the season. We had a series of small waves of groups, but nothing major that would provide some juicy stories.

*Friday night was interesting in that we got another visit from a couple of our favorite characters, TO WONG FOO and MR. BLIND DATE. It was comical to say the least. TO WONG FOO was there to hit on his bartender boy-toy; I do believe he invited his boy-toy out on a trip to Arizona, "to unwind".... It was all I could do to contain my laughter, as the bartender/boy-toy squirmed through WONG FOO'S advances.... As for MR. BLIND DATE, he was definately on the prowl for a chubby chicka. At one point, a group of ladies were seated in the back of the bar; all of the ladies were pretty hot. However, amongst the group of hotties was a cute, albeit, chunky brunette. MR. BLIND DATE immediately locked in on her and began to ask the SWANFATHER for advice on what to do. Now, it's one thing when you are shy and not that skilled w/the women. It's another thing entirely when you come in each week with a different chick in hand, to impress her w/your coolness factor at Third and Long's Dollar Draft Madness. It tells me that A)That you really just like to have people think that you are shy and try to use the "mr. shyness" routine to get girls anytime you want; B)you set your sights on chubby chicks b/c your confidence level won't allow you to try to reach out for anything else (not that there is anything wrong w/chubby chicks-they need love too); and w/chubby chicks you think you can assume "control" over them easier b/c you think they are desperate to have someone and you fill the bill; And C)that you are a cheap f***, that you meet your dates for dollar drafts. (sorry for the rant)

So, he goes over to the table, plants his ass next to the buxom brunette and gets into a deep conversation. About what, who knows? About a half/hour later, he comes over, smug as a cat who just ate a canary. I asked him what happened, and he said that he got the phone number but he wasn't going to call it. I asked why, and he says (get this): "she wouldn't come home with me so i'm not going to bother".... Can you believe that? So I asked him "how was he expecting to have some girl you just met twenty minutes ago come home w/you?" Better yet, what happened to "mr. shyness"?? I told him he had issues and to begone from my presence. He initially thought I was kidding until I was talking w/a group of girls and he bolted over to where I was, with the hopes of me introducing him to the girls and I ignored him. I'm officially creeped out by him.

UPCOMING HAPPENINGS: Look for a shakeup of bar staff this week as we switch things around a bit. You may find new/old faces at different times this week. Don't be alarmed, just switching schedules up this week.

We will also be awarding a FREE HAPPY HOUR for a lucky winner and their friends this week. A while back, we had folks filling out cards (commemorating our 14th Anniversary); If you filled out a card, you were entered in a drawing. The results will be posted this week and that person and twenty of their friends will enjoy a FREE HAPPY HOUR in the very near future.

That's about it for now. I'll update again later in the day. In the meantime, stop by for our daily specials. You know you like them.

NUFF SAID