Friday, November 25, 2005

POST-THANKSGIVING POST....

I trust that each and every one of you had a wonderful, restful Thanksgiving Day. I spent most of the day sleeping, eating, sleeping, watching TV, sleeping, "entertaining", and did I mention sleeping? It was definately what the doctor ordered.

So now that we are back into the swing of things, since the bar was closed yesterday and there's nothing to report, I thought I'd regale you with an article from the old stand by, THE PHAT PHREE.com. Enjoy and I'll stop by again soon.... And remember, as always, don't shoot the messenger....

FREE BEER and HOLIDAY CHEER by Casey McDougall

Yes, it’s that time of the year again. Time for the annual office holiday party. A chance to spend more time with people you’d generally like to spend less time with; however, now it’s in a formal setting with dinner and an open bar.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts to help guide you through this potential minefield of an event.

The Pre-game
Before the Company Party there is always a contingent of people, or two who go out for drinks beforehand. (Actually, the number of people going out drinking before going to an open bar can be directly correlated to happiness and job satisfaction at your company, i.e. the more is certainly not the merrier in this case).

In any event, find these people and go with them; they will be your life savers for the night. The bond you build during the Pre-Game will certainly last until midnight. You will be able to use them to get out of awkward conversations, and if you find yourself by yourself, you will be able to ingratiate yourself into their conversations. Tomorrow you can go back to hiding in your cube, playing Minesweeper, and ignoring them, but for tonight they are your best friends, so act like it.

Do: Have a couple of beers to loosen up.
Do: Propose a toast to the best bunch of m*fer’s you’ve ever worked with.
Do: Engage in a game of “Who in the office, would you do?” Identify the one chick (or guy for you ladies), who is going to be at the party, who you would consider, given enough alcohol and the proper setting.
Do Not: Have a couple of shots to loosen up.
Do Not: Take any mind-altering drug (non-hallucinogenic included).
Do Not: Start doing your impressions of co-workers. Save that for a more appropriate time and place, like say, an hour or two from now, on the dance floor…

The Arrival
Do Not: Be the first guest to arrive
Never, ever, never, under any circumstances, arrive first, and I mean never. I can not stress this enough. That is why it is vitally important to Pre-Game somewhere, even if you’re by yourself.

If you are part of the first group to arrive you are socially fucked for the rest of the night.

Attending a holiday party is akin to storming the beach at Normandy. You know what happened to the first ones to hit the beach? They got their asses shot off, that’s what.

The problem with being first is that you somehow transform from mere party attendee to party host. If you’re part of the first group to arrive, you end up making small talk with the people who reserved the hall and organized the party. You’ll be complimenting ice sculptures for lack of anything substantial to say, and the next thing you know you’ll be pointing people to the coat check and the bathroom, making small talk with people’s wives while their husbands sneak into the bathroom to do lines of coke off the sink counter. You’ll be some sort of informally designated greeter, like the poor slob at Wal-Mart whose sole job is to smile and say "Hi". Just do yourself a favor, don’t be first.

Do: Arrive late and head purposely for the bar.

Open Bar
The crowning glory of any office holiday party. It’s The Holy Grail, Xanadu, and The Garden of Eden all rolled into one.

Do Not: Stop at the first bar you see.
I know, this seems counterintuitive, you’re here for the booze, and here’s the booze, however there is more than one bar, trust me. If nothing else there is always the “service” bar that the wait staff uses to bring drinks to the Senior Partners who are too important to stand in line like the rest of you schlubs. Locating that second and third bar is the key to maximizing your enjoyment of the evening. Also, only tools stop at the first one, the people you want to associate with have their elbows on the back bar and are laughing at the people standing in line at the first one. More than likely they are people who were out Pre-Gaming like you.

Do: Drink copious amounts or booze.
Try shit you’d never order if you were paying for it. Test the bartenders, have them make you drinks you’ve only heard about, make up names for drinks just to see what you’ll get.
“Yeah, that’s right I said give me a Double Moon Tequila-Whiskey Eclipse, with a Sunrise Slingshot Topper”
If you don’t like it, put it down on a table somewhere and go to the other bar. Always bear in mind that this may constitute your year-end bonus, so make sure you give yourself a good one!

Do Not: Order shots.
If someone else orders them, that’s fine. The next day you can always blame someone else for your inebriated state. “Man, I was fine until the mailroom guy made us do shots of tequila…”

Eye Contact
Do: Avoid eye contact.
People searching through the crowd trying to make eye contact should be avoided like the social plague that they are. Locking eyes with someone is akin to getting caught in a tractor beam. Don’t let this happen to you. If by chance it does, seek out the people you Pre-Gamed with. They are in the vicinity with drinks in hand laughing at your misfortune. When you see them, make eye contact, this is one of the benefits of the Pre-Game bond. If you made a particular rousing toast one of them may even come by to rescue you.

Small Talk
Here’s the key for getting through the small talk phase of the evening. After you’ve had your first drink, get your second. Talk to all the Senior Partners, Senior Director, Managing Partners, Managing Directors, Vice Presidents, Presidents, CEO’s, COO’s, CTO’s, CIO’s, CFO’s, CFA’s, CYA’s, and the rest that you are obligated to talk to, and/or that you want to talk to, without, I repeat, without, refilling your drink. I don’t care if you’re carrying around an empty glass for 45 minutes, it’s crucial to talk to these people early and while you’re not slurring your words. Keep it superficial and keep it brief, they may not remember you tomorrow, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Try to have something prepared to say, relative to the company/industry, that you work in. It shows management that you’re not just in it for the money, although in a capitalistic society everyone is in it for the money, it’s just bad manners to bring it up. Compliment the Partners' wives, their dresses, youthful appearance, etc…

In the event you find yourself talking to one of the Partner’s who has a trophy wife, here are some pointers:

Do: Recognize the age/beauty of the trophy wife.
This is what he got her for, to trot her out and show her off, kind of like a new car. So treat her like one. Refer to her in the third person, “What size implants does she have under the hood?” Be sure to have follow up questions ready as nothing is more socially awkward than silence. Ask, “How long before you upgrade?” That’s a terrific open ended question; it could refer to the implants, or to the wife herself...

Do Not: Allow yourself to get pulled onto the dance floor by the trophy wife, just because you’re young and she’s young don’t fall for it. You’re never going to bang her, so don’t waste time doing any ground work.

Do: Try to tongue kiss every wife that leans in for a kiss instead of a handshake. It will show the partners you have balls and impress them to no end. Expect to be called to their office tomorrow to talk about your career path at the company in the off chance you are successful.

Dinner/Desert
Do Not: Eat dinner and run the risk of getting stuck sitting with some lame-ass that you don’t even like working with.

Banquet food is one step above cafeteria food. Anytime more than four people need to be fed at once the quality of the food drops precipitously. Even if they’re serving lobster tails and filet mignon, how good can it possibly be when they’re dishing up 100 of them at once? Invariably it’s cold and chewy. Don’t believe what people in the office say the following day about how good the food was. They’re lying to cover up for the fact that they had a terrible meal and sat next to the weird guy from accounting and his hippie girlfriend who smelled like patchouli oil, and talked incessantly about the last time she saw Phish in Vermont.

Do: Skip dinner and stand at the bar.

Dancing
Do Not: Dance.
Under no circumstances is it ever good to be seen on the dance floor at an office party unless you’re a hot chick. Let’s just leave it at that.

Leaving
Think back to the Pre-Game festivities, find the person who, “You Would Do,” given alcohol and opportunity. If you find yourself thinking, “She’s not that bad-looking, what was I thinking earlier?” Or, “I wonder if she’d blow me if we shared a car home?” You’re drunk and it’s time to go. The clock has struck midnight, the ball is over, and you are now entering career killing territory.

On the other hand, if you value a good blowjob more than your current job, this is the time to make your move. However, I would recommend that you come to this decision prior to your arrival at the party. Making these type of executive decisions on the fly, with a good buzz on, never works out well. Honestly, how many times have you awoken from a night of binge drinking and said to yourself, “Man, I made some pretty goddamn good decisions last night, I was really sharp. I think the next time I go to an open bar I’m going to balance my check book and open an online account to start investing for my retirement.”

After Party
Typically the people who were out for the Pre-Game are also going out for a Post-Game. If you’re an alcoholic, (in the best sense of the word), then tag along. This is where promotions occur and careers are made. Nothing helps fast track a career more than holding a Managing Director’s tie for him while he pukes in the bathroom sink at a seedy strip club.

Do: Go if you can handle it.
Do Not: Go if you’ve done any of the following during the course of the party:
Bummed a cigarette and lit the wrong end.
Walked into the wrong bathroom, and used it anyway.
Walked into the kitchen and used it as a bathroom.
High-Fived anyone from the mailroom.
Smoked a joint with anyone from the mailroom.
Hooked up with one, or more, waitresses working the banquet.
Fallen down anywhere, at any point, and yes, “slipping on the dance floor” counts.

The Next Day
Do: Deny everything.
The only way you can be disproved is with pictures, and in the electronic age, that is circumstantial evidence at best.

Do Not: Call out sick.
It is a sign of weakness. If you display any weakness in the workplace you will be hunted down and killed. It’s the law of the jungle and the law of the workplace.

Do: Order in a massive breakfast to be delivered and expense it to the company.
Do: Spend the rest of the day talking about the party, surfing the internet, and generally complaining about how tired you are because of how “little sleep” you got.

Anyone else have anymore Do’s and Don’ts that we can add to the list?