Monday, January 23, 2006

WHAT A DAY...WHAT A DAY!

Yesterday was NFL Championship Sunday and the anticipation of a potential trip to the SUPER BOWL was high. Because the games weren't scheduled to begin until 3pm, I took my time opening up, choosing to open at 1pm as opposed to the usual 12 noon opening time.


Of course, some people weren't happy with that. I get a phone call from NAPOLEON DYNAMITE yelling about not being able to get into the bar and that his weekly ritual was being disturbed. Some of the other regular early birds (MR. LOW KEY, AFRIKA BAMBATTA, J.B.) were also chomping at the bit to get in. When I finally let them in, all they could talk about was the upcoming game between PITTSBURGH and DENVER, taunting each other over who would win or not. These guys also went through a strange ritual of setting up their chairs in a certain seating pattern so that the STEELERS fans would sit on one side and the BRONCOS fans would sit on the other, so that they could co-exist peacefully. NAPOLEON and J.B. also made a side bet on who would win: If the BRONCOS (J.B.'s team) won, NAPOLEON would have to make some kind of weird sandwich that PITTSBURGH was well known for; on the other hand, if the STEELERS won, J.B. would have to make some kind of dish that was popular in DENVER. Let the games begin!

As we approached gametime, the STEELER NATION began to trickle in. Scores of black and gold jerseys began to fill the bar, while on the other hand, nary a sight of orange and blue could be found. Hell, by my count, there were only three, no two BRONCOS fans in the whole damn bar: J.B. and T-BILL. So if you were in their shoes, you had to feel a bit outnumbered.

One by one, the regulars also began to file in. Some regulars, like ANGEL and CRIMSON CAMEL-TOE, hadn't been seen in awhile; others, like ANGRY BLACK, AMERICAN PSYCHO and SILENT BOB made their presence known as soon as they arrived. Then you had the "fringe" semi-regulars such as SUSHI SAMBA and his gorgeous lady friend, MS. PHILLY, MR. YOU-KNOW-THE-DRILL and NAPOLEON DYNAMITE's girlfriend, SMURFETTE. They made it a point to make the scene as they knew that there would be a lot of fun to be had.

As you will note in the photo montage, all kinds of hijinx took place throughout the day. One thing you WILL NOT see, however, is the revolting mess that someone left in the men's room early on in the afternoon. Apparently someone had too much fun at CALIENTE CAFE the night before, because their bean buried supreme ended up NOT in the toilet, but on the SIDE of the toilet, all over the freakin' wall! I am still at a loss as to how someone could miss the toilet completely to hit the SIDE of the wall! The BACK of the toilet and the wall, while disgusting in its own right, I could see. But the SIDE of the toilet? WTF......


Some highlights include CRIMSON CAMEL TOE displaying her newest addition to her thong collection. I don't think I can remember the last time I yearned to use dental floss as I did at that moment... You have to give it to her though, as hot as she is, she isn't pretentious at all. She is down-to-earth, funny as hell and definitely not afraid to hang with the guys. She gives back as good as she gets and that's always a plus. When she and ANGEL get together, you never know what you are going to get; but you can be sure of one thing: they will entertain- if not you, then they will find a way to entertain themselves!


Throughout the afternoon/evening both ANGEL and CRIMSON could be seen mingling about the bar, going from group to group. Many times I could hear ANGRY BLACK and ANGEL laughing uncontrollably, as if they were in their own world. Wonder what they were jokng about... hmmmm. Good stuff.
Then there's the crew known as STEELER NATION. They usually hang out in the back by the big-screen TV. Most of the crew members are okay; the pretty much keep to themselves and bleed STEELER black. There are a couple of members, however, who got on the wrong side of the SWANFATHER a few weeks back when in their drunken stupor, tried to pick a fight with one of my regulars, MR. LOW-KEY. Needless to say, a potential beatdown was averted, however, I let them know that causing problems for my regulars would not be tolerated and they've been pretty well-behaved ever since.


In any case, the one member of STEELER NATION, came in wearing a shirt that said CLEVELAND BROWNS SUCK or something ridiculous like that and you just don't do that in a place where the big dawg that runs the show is a die-hard CLEVELAND BROWNS fan.


Needless to say, by the end of the afternoon as you'll note in the before and after pics, justice was served, ice cold... Poor guy could barely stand and he was actually crying like a little girl. Your team may be going to the SUPER BOWL my friend, but I guarantee you won't remember how you got there... holla!

Other funny moments include the heated debate between J.B. of the PEANUT GALLERY and BRETT #2 (or was it BRETT #1?). It all started innocently enough, over something football related (of course). In a nutshell, the debate revolved around the value of an also-ran quarterback named GUS FEROTTE, who's sole claim to fame is the famous incident where he (in an attempt to psych up his teammates) banged his head into a wall and knocked himself out. J.B. and BRETT were bantering back and forth over the pros and cons of this guy and it ended up getting so heated that they were literally shouting at each other! And this was at 1:30pm! The real game hadn't even started yet and no one was drunk! I could see if the argument was over something important, like who was going to win the big game or something, but it was over a guy who wasn't even playing! Comical. I think I am going to call BRETT #1/2 MR. NUMBERS, because this guy was spitting out stats on this guy off the top of his head, like an IBM computer.

My moles tell me that a certain individual named after an eastern continent was in "mack-daddy mode" during the game. Witnesses indicated that he was putting on the full-court press on the roommate of a certain individual, named after a cute little blue cartoon character. They say a picture paints a thousand words.... You do the math.




By the way, WHAT WAS UP with SUSHI SAMBA going PRIMAL yesterday? Here he is, the King of Metrosexuals; the same guy who strolls around Manhattan with a little bitch dog (excuse me, Mini Pincher), whoopin it up like a caveman during the STEELERS/BRONCOS game. At one point I thought he was going to rip off his shirt and grab MS. PHILLY by the hair and drag her out like the caveman he was. ANGEL and I looked at him in amazement whenever he'd stand on his chair and let out his blood-curdling screams. Priceless.

Overall, it was a very good day. Congrats to the STEELERS and SEAHAWKS on a hard fought victory. I'm also sending out an S.O.S. for T-BILL and his liver. One of the funniest moments of the day was watching T-BILL trying to pay his bill at the end of the night. He literally sat at the bar and kept counting the same pile of bills for about 15 minutes straight. SILENT BOB, AMERICAN PSYCHO, ANGRY BLACK and I watched in amusement as he swayed back and forth in his chair while counting out singles... Stopping briefly, only to start counting the same pile of singles over and over again. Hilarious stuff.


The evening ended with SILENT BOB, AMERICAN PSYCHO and a new lady friend, having a pretty cool conversation about dating issues and that infamous DINNER WHORE article.
Yes SILENT BOB, you were the last man standing....

Other random pics:












That's it for now. As always, if I left out any juicy nuggets from yesterday, post them in the feedback section!


NUFF SAID