Friday, September 1, 2006

A BLOODY CASE OF THE "GAS-FACE"......

Last night, the bar was graced by the presence by the one and only, MADAME X. She's been keeping a low profile of late, but made her presence known in a big way on this visit. For starters, in her constantly evolving fashion state, she came in with a "Thug 4 Life" motif, with a woolen hoodie jacket covering her baseball cap; a skirt and her famous white wrestling boots.

The Madame came into the bar and of course, made a beeline towards me, saying hello and caressing my shoulders before reaching in for a kiss; I was trapped in the corner by the door with nowhere to run, so I closed my eyes, scrunched up my face and tried to turn my head as far into the corner as I could. She still managed to plant on on my cheek and I immediately scrubbed my cheek with the palm of my hand, only to look up and see JOEY CRACK, the barback, laughing hysterically (thanks for the help, you bastard).

She then made her way towards the crowded bar and somehow found a spot with an open bar stool. Within a few minutes, "IT" happens. Looking out to the crowd, I noticed that patrons were frowning up their faces and waving their hands. Apparently, someone farted in the bar and the smell was intense enough to cause patrons to react. There happened to be a large contingent of guys standing around the middle area of the bar, watching ANDRE AGASSI playing in the U.S. Open. I naturally assumed that it was one of the guys, pulling a frat boy prank. A few minutes later, another deadly fart, and more crowd reactions. This went on for what seemed like forever.

At this point, MADAME X went to the ladies room for one of her famous long trysts in the toilet. While she was in the loo, someone overheard the sounds of trumpets followed by the smell of rotten eggs. We didn't need the assistance of PARCO P.I. to put two and two together to figure out that the person blasting the nasty farts in the bar was the one and only, MADAME X! When she got back to her seat, she could be seen dropping bombs and laughing hysterically, while everyone else suffered.

To make matters worse, JON CUSACK and BEN AFFLECK decided to take a run at me by sending her a couple of shots of Jagermeister and saying it was from me. By then, the Madame was wrecked and smelling of foul ostrich eggs. I finally had to wave the white flag and tell the bartenders to cut her off. Thankfully, the poor girl finally left and stumbled back to her cave. But the damage was already done. I fear that there are customers with fried nose hairs and suffering dizzy spells from all of the rancidness from poor girl's buttocks. Bless her heart.

The highlight of the night was the great exhibition of tennis put on display by ANDRE AGASSI as he pulled out a five-set victory in what is to be his last tournament as a professional tennis player. The crowd in the bar was definitely pro-Agassi and when he scored the final point to win the match, the place erupted with glee. It was pretty cool to watch.

Before going home, I stopped off at the newest deli to open up in Murray Hill, the MURRAY HILL MARKET (I think this is the 300th 24-hour deli to open in Murray Hill). I have to say, while some of the prices are a tad bit expenisve, the place is very clean, the food is more than passable, and most importantly, there isn't a hint of flies hovering behind the display cases of salads, like my former favorite all-night deli located down the block from the bar.... you know where it is. On my way back, while passing the AFFINIA DUMONT PLAZA hotel, I noticed a tinted-out SUV pulling up in front of the hotel and a group of obviously drunk teen-agers spilling out of it. They looked as if they had just retuned from some post- MTV Video Awards party. The chicks were very-loosely dressed and all kinds of bits were spilling out of dresses and such. And best of all? NO PAPARAZZI. Only to be young again.... *sigh*

The holiday weekend is upon us, and while many people have already left the city for the last stab at Summer, the weather for the weekend looks to be a wash (excuse the pun) with the leftovers of Hurricane Ernesto scheduled to land in our area by Friday night. That being said, we'll be open Friday and Saturday, closed Sunday and re-opening again on Monday. If you find that your holiday plans are washed out, feel free to stop by the bar; College football is back in full swing and with our ESPN GAME PLAN, if your favorite team is playing, then chances are that you'll be able to catch them here.

Have a safe and fun Labor Day Weekend!


NUFF SAID