Monday, September 25, 2006

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES...

Sunday afternoon was like taking a page out of the past with the Sunday Brew Crew. The antics that made Sunday afternoons what they are were re-created when a reunion of sorts took place. I mentioned before that we were expecting a visit from the one and only HASH BROWNIE, up for a visit from Florida. She brought with her a new boy-toy, whom we shall call MR. TOMAHAWK (named by HASH BROWNIE herself for the way he "throws down the gauntlet when it counts"). He seems like a pretty cool guy and she seems pretty happy with him so he gets the blessing of the Swanfather, just as long as he treats her right.

HASH BROWNIE was accompanied by her ever-faithful bodyguard and BFF, ANGEL. Apparently they were painting the town red the night before and as a result, it took them awhile to get their arses in gear for the meetup with the gang. But they did arrive and ready to wack the hair off the dog. The boy-toy fit right in with the usual cast of characters, T-BILL, MR. LOW-KEY (who was busy entertaining his own crew from Queens), AFRIKA BAMBATTA, SHAFT, MR. CHIPS, THE MAYOR of MURRAY HILL (in a rare appearance), AMERICAN PSYCHO, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, SMURFETTE and CRIMSON CAMEL-TOE, just to name a few.

Throughout the course of the day, the drinks were flowing, jokes were being tossed about (many of them at my expense, of course), lots of screaming at the various games on TV; Simply crazy. Some highlights that I can remember (vaguely)

*These two women come into the bar at the very beginning of the day. Turns out they were from Kansas City, MO. Mother/Daughter. Daughter came to NYC to celebrate her birthday and brought her mom with her. Now to picture these two women, you would have to take your imagination to either the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW or an odd version of COPS (where they hit the trailer parks of Middle America). Daughter is wearing a tank-top with the NY Jets logo and a pair of WAAAAAAY TOO TIGHT jeans. Moms is taking the fashion sense to an even higher level: Tank top, or should I say "baggy" tank-top with no bra and gravity-induced boobies and yes, a pair of WAAAAY TOO TIGHT jeans, as well. She's rockin' a obvious do-it-yourself dye job and some seriously bad eyeliner job. Scary stuff.

So they hit the bar and immediately start talking to anyone who'd listen. "jabber-jabber this, and jabber-jabber that".... WTF! MR. LOW-KEY and NAPOLEON DYNAMITE were rolling their eyes within minutes. T-BILL actually put on fake headphones just so they wouldn't talk to them. At one point, NAPOLEON actually told them to leave, but they thought he was only kidding, so of course, they stayed. Once the games started, they settled down and started concentrating on the games. During this time they were drinking GUINNESS and/or JAGER BOMBS. Now I didn't have a problem with the daughter downing a JAGER BOMB or two, but when Big Momma started doing them, I knew that there would be trouble brewing down the road. Every once in a while i'd throw them a freebie because they were spending so much money; no big deal... or so I thought. Eventually the two decide to leave (to check out other options on the street), so I bid them adieu and thanked them for stopping by.

A few hours later, the bar is teeming with rowdy, happy patrons, totally caught up in the games or getting into the spirit of the Sunday Brew Crew hi jinx. Next thing I know, the two ladies are back- only this time, daughter is feeling a nice buzz, and Big Momma is basically out of her freakin' mind. She comes over to where MR. LOW-KEY and his crew were sitting and immediately began hovering over them and literally hanging off of them. Not sure if she couldn't keep her balance or was trying to "hang with the fellas", but I can tell you this, she definitely looked like she was a guest of the HOWARD STERN show or something... A member of his "Wack Pack". The two ladies ordered a round of drinks and then a few minutes later, Big Momma did the unthinkable: She scrambled up on her seat and leaned to me and asked where her "buyback" was. She's slurring in her speech, her braless bowling balls are spilling out of her tank-top and she's trying to give me a lecture on buybacks! Never mind the fact that she'd already gotten two earlier in the day!

Now i'm pissed. It's busy as hell, five hundred voices are yelling at me at once: Yelling at me for drinks; A pen for their fantasy football cribnotes; Change for a ten-spot; Directions to the bathroom; When were the COORS LIGHT girls coming? Where was HASH BROWNIE? What time do we get to eat?, What's on the menu? Who is that crazy old lady climbing up on the bar with her boobies popping out? Eight thousand requests that need to be filled and I have to deal with a drunken floozy who DARES to question me about a buyback?????

Of course, I put her in her place real quick and told her that it was inappropriate to ask for a buyback; that it was a privilege and not a right. I then proceeded to ignore her for the next few minutes. She didn't appreciate that at all, let me tell you, because when I finally got around to going back to where she was, she proceeded to call me all kinds of jerks, a-holes, f***-offs, etc. I simply looked at her and told her that she should go catch her flight back to K.C. because her time at the bar was over. By this time, her daughter came back from showing anyone who was willing to look, her brand new pink New York Jets panties with the logo printed right on her crotch (yes she did). She saw that I was serious and apologized while she dragged Big Momma out of the bar. You can't make this stuff up.

*NAPOLEON DYNAMITE having to do not ONE Cosmo, but TWO. The Sunday Brew Crew has an unwritten rule that states that whenever someone does something or say something that defies logic, then a penalty is awarded to that person by way of a Cosmo. They have to drink the Cosmo on the spot, pinky up, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Don't quite remember what he did the first time that caused him to have to drink one; The second Cosmo came when he tried to sneak out of the bar due to his drunkenness. Someone caught him trying to sneak out and blew up his spot (Oh wait a minute, that was me!). So he had to pay a penalty... tsk, tsk, tsk.

*In yet another NAPOLEON moment- during the PITTSBURGH/CINCINNATI game, the die-hard Steeler fan was constantly yelling and screaming at the TV; T-BILL decided to place a bet with everyone in the bar to see how long it would take before NAPOLEON yelled at the TV again. This took place at around 3:05pm; T-BILL's bet was whether or not NAPOLEON would have another outburst before or after 3:30pm. Almost half of the bar jumped in on the action, with T-BILL opting to take the after. He hadn't even finished writing down the names of the people taking the bet when NAPOLEON erupted and screamed an obscenity-laced tirade at the TV. The whole bar lost it and T-BILL lost a tidy sum in the process. Best part about it was that NAPOLEON was totally clueless.

There were plenty more where that came from, but to be quite honest with you, my brain is fried. It was a long, yet fun day; capping off a great weekend of fun for everyone and for the bar. I look forward to the upcoming week.

DOLLAR DRAFT MADNESS is back tonight with $1.00 Bud/Bud Light & Coors Light MUGS all night long! Until then.....


NUFF SAID