THE YEARBOOK

"I'm bringin' SexyBack!"


About a month or so ago, I was involved in an email chat with some of the members of Third and Long's "Wack Pack". The conversation somehow got onto high school memories and yearbook photos and such. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE asked me about my high school yearbook and I told him that I didn't have one. I went on to explain that I never bothered to get a yearbook as I was sort of a rebel back then and didn't care for such things. I then told him that I actually tried to procure one a few years ago when I stopped by the old high school for a visit, but was told that there weren't any more for my year.

NAPOLEON then said that he bet he could track one down, and me knowing what was told to me, took him up on the bet. After much trash talking, the official bet became the following: If NAPOLEON could locate a yearbook for my year (1984) AND bring it to the bar by the first football weekend in September, he would win the bet. I didn't give him any clues; All he had to go on was what he already knew about me. That's all it took as he's not the type that takes a bet lying down. And little did I know that his motivation would come back to haunt me.

Now after the long-winded email conversation, I'd pretty much forgotten about the whole thing. Not even 48 hours later, I get a phone call from NAPOLEON. He's laughing at me because the son-of-a-bitch somehow tracked down my high school in Cleveland Heights, OH. Even better, he established contact with the principal of the school! Now I'm starting to worry. Will he actually be able to pull this off? "Impossible" I thought, as I was already told that there were no more available yearbooks.

About a week later I get an email from numbnuts; he's laughing hysterically as he attaches a copy of a correspondence between himself and the principal of the school. Somehow, NAPOLEON convinces the principal that I was a "valued employee" of his and needed a yearbook so that they could honor me at some awards program or something stupid like that. And what makes it worse- the principal actually fell for it and somehow locates a copy of the yearbook! I thought that NAPOLEON was bluffing, just to scare me. Sure enough, a few days later, NAPOLEON shows up at the bar with a copy of the check written to the school for the cost of the yearbook, plus shipping: $13.00! My damn high school sold me out for $13.00!

Now I'm sweating. This guy may very well pull this off. It's about three weeks before the deadline and he's about to win the bet. Even worse, I hadn't seen the yearbook since I graduated, so who knows what cheezy pictures are in there??? So, sensing that he's going to win the bet, I had to come up with a way to get even, or better yet, beat him at his own game. Clearly, NAPOLEON was reveling in delight over the possibility of humiliating me. I have to beat him at his own game. But what do I do?

So I figured, if he's going to get me with my cheezy yearbook pictures, then I have to do the same with him. I know that I'm no shrinking violet, but I was pretty sure that NAPOLEON has a cheezy pic or two of his own. SO ... let me get a hold of his yearbook pic and spring it on him on the same day! That meant that I had to work quickly. But first things first: Where in the hell did he come from? I knew he was from Pennsylvania, near Pittsburgh. But what town? I knew it was a small town outside of the city. I got some help (inadvertently, of course) from SUSHI SAMBA, his hometown buddy, who told me that they were from DuBois, PA. I then employed the services of my own private eye, T-BILL to somehow get me the info I needed. Not only was T-BILL able to work his magic to get the info, he somehow got me a copy of the yearbook page with NAPOLEON's picture on it.

When I got the picture, I fell out. Here was a guy who was the spitting image of Sargent Carter of "GOMER PYLE"!




With a picture in place, I was ready to exact some revenge on my little friend...

FAST FORWARD to this past Sunday. It's opening weekend of the football season and I'm excited. It's football season, the old gang was coming back for another year of fun and yes, I was going to get to exact my revenge on NAPOLEON. So I get to the bar extra early with all of my photocopies of NAPOLEON's yearbook photo and I literally plaster them all over the bar. Large ones, small ones. Photos of him in the windows, on the ceiling, on some of the TV's. Even hung up a couple in the ladies room stalls. Everywhere you looked you were going to see at least one photo of our little friend. I even had a huge poster-sized photo of him blown up and hanging behind our big screen TV. I knew that I was going to get ridiculed for my yearbook photos, so I may as well get some fun out of it.

As the gang began to arrive, they saw the picture of NAPOLEON and laughed hysterically. AFRIKA BAMBATTA said he looked like TIMOTHY MCVEIGH, the Oklahoma bomber; Other people said that he looked like a reject from military school. In any case, they all enjoyed it.

Finally, the guest of honor arrived, arm-in-arm with his new fiancee SMURFETTE and her parents. They got a kick out of the photos and NAPOLEON began to panic when he realized that his picture was all over the bar. They really got a kick when I raised the big-screen TV to reveal NAPOLEON's lifesized photo. It went perfectly.

Now that I got that out of the way, it was my turn to take my punishment. NAPOLEON ran home and retrieved THE YEARBOOK and as soon as he returned, the masses pounced on him and began tearing through the book as if it was the Sacred Dead Sea Scrolls. The next hour or so was pure torture as they picked me apart. Most notably, everyone gasped when they saw how skinny I was way back in the day (we're talking 22 years ago!). They also got a kick out my "nickname" (Stud).

The icing on the cake was when some idiot decided to have some fun with THE YEARBOOK and sign it as if they were my actual classmates. Some excerpts from the book signing (Year of '84):

"Ah, we had the times! Good Luck Always"

"Stud, Do you remember the time that nurse Wilson had to remove that gerbil? That must have really hurt. Good luck at Cosmetology School. I just know someday you'll be a famous Broadway performer. Don't forget the little people on your way to the top"

"Thanks for the tip to sell Microsoft. I think you really saved me with that one. Good luck at the Star Trek Convention this summer. I think you play a great Sulu. Live long and prosper!"

"Stay Def"

"It's been an honor and pleasure to be in the presence of such a finely tuned athlete. Your hurdling skills are second to none. Coach Lemke thinks you have what it takes to make your Olympic Dreams a reality. Bring home the gold at LA '84! Just keep up your training regiment and things will be fine. P.S.- This rap thing is just a fad. It will never catch on...."

"Can't believe 4 years have past. All the best in the future. If you ever find yourself in NYC... Look me up. Happy blogging!"

"Always remember the parties down by the lake! Go Falcons!"

"Remember that day Beano "pants" you after the pep rally? Good times!"

"Remember that time you farted really loud in Mrs. Ramsey's class and blamed it on me? That was NOT cool, man! Hope Taneesha says yes to your invite to the prom!"

"I'll never tell anyone about our secret spot under the gym bleachers! We were so ahead of our time, being gay and an inter-racial couple. K.I.T. P.S.- My doctor cleared me!"

Thanks guys. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

Everyone got a kick out it and I have to hand it to NAPOLEON, he outdid himself. While it was a great joke at my expense, it's also scary how modern technology works. It shows how easy someone can gain information about you, and quite frankly, that disturbs me. BIG BROTHER...STOP WATCHING ME!

So that's THE YEARBOOK story. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to contact a therapist.


NUFF SAID