Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Happy Abbott????

It's been a few months now since I began writing the blog and as the cast of characters grow, I find myself having more difficulty keeping track of all of the aliases that i've assigned. That is especially evident w/our friend Mr. Happy/Abbott.... It seems that everytime I write something involving him, I find myself assigning him a new alias b/c I can't remember what I gave him the first time. That being said, I am making a formal declaration once and for all by christening our little friend: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. So from this moment on, he will no longer be known as Mr. Happy, The Abbott, Porn King, etc. it's NAPOLEON DYNAMITE...... (and if I forget, feel free to call me on it)

HANDLING "UGLY CHICK BLUES"....

In my never-ending quest to keep the consumer educated, I've once again enlisted the aid of my guest correspondant, Brendan Della Casa on another public service announcement. In this case, dealing w/ugly chicks at the bar. Now before you ladies get your panties in a bunch, keep in mind that I am a guy, so I can only deal with certain things from a guy's point of view. Now after reading the article if you want to chime in w/your two cents' worth, then by all means enlighten us w/your perspective. In any case, don't shoot the messenger.

UGLY CHICK by Brendan Della Casa

It’s that time again.

That last swig of beer has warmed at the bottom of your bottle, the bartender has somehow managed to overcharge you (again!), and the girl you’ve been making out with is so ready to see your love shack.

You give your buddies a wink, walk over to her and ask her if she needs a “ride home.” She gives you a drunken nod and the crowd in your pants goes wild! You are about to get out of the bar and—WHAM! Ugly Chick walks right over to your doll and tells her that, as her “friend”, she cannot allow her to go home with you because you are basically one step up from a date rapist pig who hypnotized her into thinking she would actually want to sleep with you.

The doll leaves with Ugly Chick and you are left to crash at your buddy’s studio apartment where you will pretend not to hear him and his girlfriend do the deed 15 feet away.

If you are a man with beer and blood running through your veins, you know that Ugly Chick is like a virus, infecting many a young man’s Friday night. In fact, there are actually support groups for victims of her jealous, prudish wrath. However, before you go and join UCA (Ugly Chick Anonymous) read our guide to relieving that nasty rash caused by the ultimate cock-blocker.

Rule Number #1: Get A Wingman

The best way to avoid the Ugly Chick's bite is to give her something to sink her teeth into. Enter your wingman. Wingman is to Ugly Chick as herpes is to Courtney Love—They were made for one another. He is your buddy, your neighbor, your cousin, your dad—anyone who is an equal opportunity enjoyer in the bedroom. Wingman will hit, talk to, grope and sleep with just about anything with two-to-four legs. If he does actually have standards, then he will simply have to “take one for the team.”

But you were hot last night...I think...
Once Wingman has effectively cornered Ugly Chick, the path is cleared for you to show that hot little sorority girl just how lucky she is. Time it right and you can slowly slink back to your pad without even a hiss from that little troll.

Rule Number #2: Buyt Two Drinks For Ugly Chick Every Round—and Make ‘Em Frequent

The most important part of beating Ugly Chick is understanding what fuels her. While we all have our theories-jealousy, resentment, jelly-roll belly-the fact is Ugly Chick wants some attention. Now, as stated above, Wingman should be taking care of this, but if for some reason (bitter hatred, maybe) he fails, you must take on the responsibility. To do this, you’re going to have to down a few (compliments flow better while looking through beer goggles, just ask your father) and you are also going to have to get her smashed (Can’t throw a spike in your wheel if she’s a flat tire). By doing this, you will not only get rid of your competition, you will win the heart of your giril du jour. Chicks love it when you buy their friends drinks…and you thought you worked for a LIVING!

Rule Number #3: The Gentlemen’s Rule:

Have you ever heard the saying, “Keep your friends close but your enemies closer?” Well, the Gentlemen’s rule is how the idea translates into the dating world. While the other tactics are about sabotaging the enemy, this method takes the opposite approach. You make Ugly Chick think you are the greatest thing since the vibrating doughnut. Buy her drinks, make her laugh—hell, you might even dance with her a little bit. Mention that you think her friend is “cute” (a nice non-threatening word in the world of chickdom) and say you are too “shy” to talk to her (nice guy points = bed post notches). This may sound as appealing as swallowing razor blades but act as non-threatening as a Backstreet Boy and, by the end of the night, Ugly Chick will be introducing you to Miss C-cup in the tight, pink sweater.

Rule Number #4: Check the Group Beforehand

This one is for the lazy bastards out there who just want some hot ass. Walk into the bar, do a once-over of each group of ladies and hit only on the chicks that came with cuties, this way they can pass you off to their equally hot (and hopefully loaded) friends. Though, we need to warn you: Hitting on chicks in large groups is like whipping it out during a NOW rally. Proceed with caution.

While these tips might help you avoid Ugly Chick attacks for a while, it is important to note that there might be a reoccurrence. If this should happen, just take a deep breath and take comfort in the fact that you’ll always have Frank’s futon.

Other items I need to bring up: Dont forget tomorrow night is COMEDY NIGHT at Third and Long. We are bringing in four top comics to slay us w/laughter and there will be plenty of drink specials to make the night a fun/affordable one for all. The cover charge is only $5.00 and the show begins at 8pm. Your feedback is important, so please stop by and check it out- if it works out, we could see this evolving into a regular thing.

We are also looking into our options regarding the NY Mets situation. As you know by now, because we are Time Warner subscribers, we are locked out of showing all Mets/Knicks games b/c of Time-Warner's feud w/Cablevision (who owns the airing rights to both teams). As soon as we figure out what our options are then we will act accordingly, I promise.

Tonite is Dollar Draft Madness-and with the weather being as nice as it is, tonite should be "rockin'".... see you tonite!

NUFF SAID