Monday, December 12, 2005

CALM BEFORE THE STORM...

I walked into the bar on Sunday morning, ready to set up for the day's activities when I realized that the bar looked as if it had encountered a tsunami. I knew that the bar wouldn't be in the best shape due to the busy Saturday night and the lack of a barback, but DAMN! As I tippy-toed around the mass of puddles and bottlecaps, I detected a faint whiff of PHUNK emitting from the basement. So I make my way down the stairs and as I approached the ladies room the smell gre stronger. I whip the door open and then it hits me. Apparently someone had a bit of an accident the night before and it wasn't cleaned up thoroughly and it stunk like a mutherf*****! I looked at my porter AMIGO and we both shook our heads. Now this is something i'd expect from the men's room, but the ladies? Ugh. I instructed AMIGO to use extra effort to combat the cleaning and smell and I would take care of setting up the bar upstairs. I also suggested that he use extra bleach to try and kill the smell.

Now I will be the first to tell you that my knowledge of Spanish is about as limited as it gets and AMIGO's English is probably even less. So try to picture us carrying on a conversation on a daily basis. It's pretty comical to watch. So when I suggested to AMIGO (through vocal and and gestures) to use bleach to kill the smell of the toilet, I thought he'd know to use the bleach to scrub the floors and walls. So after I finish taking care of things upstairs, I go down to check on his progress and I looked and saw that the bathroom was straightened up but the smell was still strong as hell. So I'm freakin' out thinking that this must have been one mutant strain of poo that came from maybe SASQUACH or something. I suggested that he use extra bleach to try and kill the smell. I go back upstairs to continue my set up and about 20 minutes later, I come back down and the smell is still there. Now I am in panic mode. "Why is this smell not going away?" So I pleaded with AMIGO to use more bleach or something and as I walk out the bathroom, I see him come back into the bathroom with the bottle of bleach. He begins to pour the bleach down the toilet. I stop dead in my tracks and realized that instead of using the bleach to mop the floor and scrub the walls, he was pouring the bleach down the toilet to kill the smell. AAAARRGH! So in my best Spanglish, I try to explain to him how to use the bleach and then he finally got it... I gotta learn Spanish.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty rowdy with the usual cast of characters in tow, full of loud obnoxious bantering. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE had a group of hometown friends visiting him for the weekend and they are just as crazy as him (ok maybe not AS crazy, but you know what I mean). We also had appearances from AFRIKA BAMBATTA (or BATTA BATTA as he wants to be known as.. yeah right), T-BILL, SUSHI SAMBA, NURSE BETTY and her flock, MR. YOU KNOW THE DRILL (who ironically, hadn't been at the bar since his "encounter" with NURSE BETTY), MR. LOW-KEY (who was anything but LOW-KEY last night), J.B. (of the PEANUT GALLERY), ANGRY BLACK, OLD FART and a bevy of football fans there to catch their favorite teams. Some highlights include:

*T-BILL and AFRIKA getting progressively drunk off of MAKER'S MARK gimlets and calling it their "Gentleman's Drink". I knew they were officially drunk when a random girl had to hold T-BILL up so that he could sign his credit card slip.

*MR. LOW-KEY starting random conversations with various people, then walking away from them halfway through the conversation. Ironically enough, he left the bar without his jacket.... which had his housekeys in them. Luckily enough for him, he lives nearby so I was able to deliver his jacket and keys. Bless his heart.

*T-BILL and J.B. making new friends with a group of much-older DENVER BRONCO fans (we are talking about your parents age here). While they are all sitting at the bar watching the game on the big flat-screen TV, AFRIKA BAMBATTA and NAPOLEON DYNAMITE are sharing graphic stories of muff-diving. Classy.

One of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE's buddies and his beautiful, innocent-looking girlfriend sharing the story of how he met her parents for the first time at some resort that the family owned. Apparently it involved some sex in a bathroom of the resort with rather thin walls... funny stuff.

As always, I'm sure I left out some things (some accidentally, some purposely), so if you have anything to add, feel free to use the Comment Board...

Throughout the day, the big talk was about the upcoming THIRD and LONG HOLIDAY BASH and how everyone couldn't wait to attend. I have a strange feeling that this year's party may eclipse last year's raucous affair. Looking forward to it myself.

Strangest Sighting of the Day: There's this homeless guy who panhandles on East 35th Street, right outside the bar. He stands in the street, hitting up drivers for donations as they come out of the Midtown Tunnel. Now this guy only has "one arm" and most people feel bad for him and they give him change. He does this for an hour or so, then he leaves. This morning I'm walking to the bank and waiting for the light on East 34th Street, right near the bus stop. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the same homeless guy, running for the bus. MIRACULOUSLY, through the grace of the stars above, this guy has TWO HANDS! I stared at this guy, just to make sure he was the same guy that I'd seen minutes before, panhandling for change with one arm... yup, sure enough he was the one and the same.... ONLY IN NEW YORK...

That's it for now; more updates to come. DOLLAR DRAFT MADNESS is back: $1 BUD/BUD LIGHT MUGS (4pm- close)

NUFF SAID