Friday, September 8, 2006

WE HAVE KICKOFF!!!

Last night was the much-anticipated Opening Night of the NFL season and the matchup between the Super Bowl Champion PITTSBURGH STEELERS and the MIAMI DOLPHINS did not disappoint at all.

The evening started out with a private party for the new-hires of one of the local investment banking firms; It was a private affair that closed the bar to the public from 5pm-7pm. What made this party stand out was the fact that it had a karaoke theme to it. Now when you have a party with open bar and karaoke, that's usually a recipe for disaster. Everyone's inner-American Idol comes out of them and while that itself makes for funny moments, it's pretty bad on the ears. I got flashbacks to last year when this group held the same event and I distinctly remember people walking by the bar, holding their ears. To my surprise, however, the quality of talent wasn't as bad this year, although it's pretty safe to say no one will be signing a recording contract anytime soon.

While this is going on, H.B.E. and myself are standing outside, checking id's and putting on wristbands on invited guests. During a lull, we're in the middle of a conversation when a homeless woman shuffles up to H.B.E. . She's probably about five feet tall, in her late forties and has the usual look- matted hair, baggy old clothing and the pungent smell of dried cat piss. She's also got something going on her lip- not sure if it's chocolate, or a mustache or moldy moss growing. In any case, it wasn't attractive at all. She shuffles right up to us and stops right in between us. She gives me a quick glance and immediately blows me off (typical). However, she turns to look at H.B.E. and you would have thought that he was BRAD PITT. She just stared lovingly at him for what seemed like an eternity. H.B.E. kinda looked at each other and you could just tell that she wanted to hug her idol. I did all I could to not laugh, mainly because laughing would have meant breathing in and this person smelled so bad that I would have puked on the spot if i'd took in a breath. Eventually she shuffled off, satisfied at having her moment with her new found friend.

Priceless.

Towards the end of the private party, the Pittsburgh Steelers' fans began to show up in anticipation of the game. "Steeler Nation" were pumped up for this game, wearing their trademark black/gold jerseys and chanting cheesy fight songs. One rabid fan in particular, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, even showed up with a construction hardhat with the team colors painted on it. Now when he arrived, I cautioned him to pace himself with the drinks or else he won't last the whole game. Of course, Mr. Tough Guy told me to f*** off and bragged that he would be able to handle himself because, as he put it, "I'm a member of Steeler Nation- I'm built to last!". So, with that in mind, here's his timeline for the evening.....

7pm: NAPOLEON arrives, yelling and screaming for his favorite seat.

7:05pm: NAPOLEON orders his first beer.

7:06pm: NAPOLEON begins to yell out fight cheers

7:40pm: After finishing his first beer, NAPOLEON orders another one.

8pm: P. DIDDY begins his pre-game performance on TV; NAPOLEON is seen bobbing his head, trying to keep up with the beat, while trying to do the Cabbage Patch without falling off his stool.

8:20pm: Championship banner is unfurled; NAPOLEON is waving his hands in the air, tears running down his cheek, as if he's seen God.

8:45pm: Beer number 4- of which half of it is on his shirt.

9:20pm: STEELERS SCORE! SUSHI SAMBA jumps off his stool and does push-ups. NAPOLEON stares off into space, pudgy fingers pointing in the air. The glassy look is coming.....

10pm: SMURFETTE arrives. NAPOLEON is yelling at the TV, oblivious of the fact that she's there. Gentlemen's Drinks are flowing at this point. It's only a matter of time before he's out for the count.

10:14pm: In his attempt to show enthusiasm, NAPOLEON tries to tackle me, but misses me completely and falls to the floor, in the middle of a group of girls. They giggle and walk away. Sad.

10:40pm: Middle of the third quarter; white flag is waved as SMURFETTE leads a clearly hammered NAPOLEON out and rolls his pudgy little self into a cab. Superfan doesn't even last the whole game.

Priceless.


The weekend is upon us and there's a lot going on. Plenty of great football matchups, drink specials and fun on tap, so make sure you stop by. More updates to come!


NUFF SAID