Friday, August 26, 2005

A DUTCH OVEN AND SOME HARD BUNS....

The title sounds a bit cryptic, but after reading today's entry, it'll make a lot of sense, trust me.

Last night was a relatively tranquil Thursday night, as far as Thursdays go. It wasn't packed like sardines, but at the same time, it wasn't a ghost town either. That being said, it wasn't without its share of interesting moments. For example:

An extended visit from MR. BLIND DATE. Now whenever he pops in solo, that usually means that my ear is going to be chewed off. The stories are usually one in the same: His "fantastic" day job or the number of "conquests" that he's accumulated over the past few days.. Typical boring stuff, except he's such a contradiction that it's almost comical as well as "creepy". For example, he's droning on and on about one of his "C.C.'s" (chubby chicks). He felt the need to share a moment where he was engaged in a sexual act being peformed on him by his "C.C."; during this "act", he decided to pull a blanket over her head and then FARTED while trapping his "C.C." under the blanket. WTF? (I actually said "WTF") I said "Dude, first of all, that is some nasty shit; why are you telling me this?" He thought it was a funny thing to do at the time. I told him that he had some serious issues and he kinda laughed it off. He said that what he did is called a "dutch oven" Of course, i'm creeped out by all of this.

This guy then goes on to tell me how he wants to hit on some chick in the bar but didn't know what to say. He kept asking me to feed him some pickup lines and I told him I wanted no part of it. I chided him on for even asking me such a thing, especially in light of the fact that just moments earlier he was bragging about all of these conquests he'd had. Picking up a woman in the bar should have posed him no problem. He was actually getting upset with me for not hooking him up with a pickup line. Strange. So of course, I like to press buttons when possible; so when these two girls got up to leave the bar, I egged MR. BLIND DATE into going after them to show me his "dope moves"... and he actually went for it.

Now these two girls were nice enough; physically, they fit his profile, chubby. But aside from that, they were actually kinda cute and funny. One of the girls was there celebrating her 2-year anniversary of moving to NYC (from Texas). So the three of them are outside, chatting it up- he's swinging for the fences, failing miserably. But I give him credit for at least trying. So I go outside to monitor his progress and at that moment, one of the girls ask us to feel the other's ass.... I looked at them thinking, "is this a joke?". They insisted that we feel the ass of one of the girls-literally giving us permission. So I cautiously reach over and gave it a light squeeze, looking warily at them, wondering what the catch was. And then...... I felt what must have been the HARDEST ass i'd ever felt in my life! I quickly snatched my and away and they started laughing. I was immediately creeped out by the touch of it. I asked if it was a plastic hip or something and she said, no. She used to be a dancer and simply had very strong/tight leg and hip muscles.... So of course, BLIND DATE had to get a feel in. He reaches out and touches her buttocks. His initial reaction was the same as mine and he snatched his hand away. The girls laughed again...this time, however, B.D. reached for another feel and it turned into a prolonged grope; at which point the girls squealed and pushed him away, calling him a perv. I laughed out loud and they began bustin' his balls about being a creepy pervert. They eventually left, laughing at him and he stood there, with a cheezy grin on his face.

You can't make this stuff up.

HAPPY HOUR tonite! $3 DOMESTIC DRAFTS/$5 COSMOS/APPLETINIS/MARGARITAS (5pm-9pm)

NUFF SAID