Monday, September 19, 2005

"@%^$#*!$%)+_% COMPUTER!!!!

I want to apologize for the rather LATE update today; my antique 1996 IBM Aptiva has been giving me fits all weekend long and it culminated in my computer doing the deep freeze today. So after trying to defrag, shake, rattle and roll the damn thing, I think it's up and running again (I hope).

To recap the events of the weekend, I must first go to Saturday night. We got to see the debut of SULLY TEE (our barback extrordinaire) behind the stick. He had been doing so well as our barback that we decided to throw him a bone and let him get a shot at bartending. And to really reward him for his good works, we let him bartend with the queen of mammories, HOOTERGIRL. What more could a guy ask for? To be a nervous wreck the first night bartending and hoping that you don't bump into those things....priceless! Alas, he did a good job slinging drinks and keeping his hands to himself (not sure how he did it). Well done SULLY TEE (you can deliver my kickback of a case of tee-shirts anytime now)!

It was also amateur night again on 3rd Avenue as the underage set ran amok all over the place. I personally confiscated two or three phony ID's, and lord knows how many others were floating around the neighborhood. Pain in my ass.

Sunday afternoon was comical as usual. I was anxious for the day to begin because I was looking forward to the DRINKING CHALLENGE between the "Old School" girls (HASHBROWNIE & ANGEL) and the "New School" chicks (BIG RED and her crew). Oh and by the way, NAPOLEON came up with that nickname, not me! HASHBROWNIE arrived at around 12:30pm, with her "friend" KID ROCK in tow. He's one of her "recycled" projects. She was supposed to be dressed in her sexy "referee" outfit, but she cheezed out on that and showed up in one of those "day after drinking" outfits. Of course, ANGEL was no where to be found; she was still in Boston, celebrating FSU's victory over B.C.. When she arrived, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE was already here, holding court w/UCONN FAN and AFRIKA BAMBATTA. As for the "New School" chicks, they were nowhere to be found. We teased NAPOLEON about them not showing up and about one chick in particular, more due to the fact that he didn't want us to bust her chops when she arrived (of course, that's the wrong thing to say to this crew). At one point, NAPOLEON got upset and retreated to the corner of the bar to pout like a baby and yours truly sent over a "Blue Hawaii", garnished with an umbrella to acknowledge his "blue boo-hoo" attitude, and the whole bar howled in laughter and forced him to drink it.

The "New School" girls finally arrived but they looked like they were not up to the task of the challenge, so HASHBROWNIE ended up winning by default. As a result, she retains her hold as QUEEN OF SUNDAY AFTERNOONS... As a matter of fact, the "New School" girls were kinda wimpy all afternoon; wimpy aka NO FUN! MEMO TO NAPOLEON: find some FUN girls and not these lame ones. They're cute, but lame....

Throughout the course of the afternoon/evening, the Sunday crew drank their faces off; to the point that a lot of them couldn't even handle lasting through the 4:00 games. And we had a couple of fantastic finishes too (on the tv screen anyways). By the end of the second game, the crew had dwindled down to HASHBROWNIE, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, ANGEL(although she doesn't count b/c she drank water most of the day) and a few of their groupies (yes, they've aquired groupies). By this time, THE POPE of MURRAY HILL arrived from his trip to California. He sat at the bar and while I brought him up to speed on the day's events, we overheard the crew sitting by the window, talking about nipples. (NAPOLEON had been bitching all day about a photo in the current PLAYBOY magazine; apparently the centerfold had "bumps" on her nipples; I said they were probably goosebumps-he thought they were pimples and was freaked out by it). Anyhow, we were mildly amused as they began to compare nipples. Picture this: Front window, wide open; four guys and HASHBROWNIE, sitting around, comparing nipples and oblivious to the fact that people were strolling by in the evening air.... You can't make this stuff up.

Apart from that, and from the overgrown "juveniles" running in and outside doing "whippets"; It was a typical Sunday evening at THIRD AND LONG....Eventually the rest of the crew disbanded and headed off into the cool September night.

MR. LOW-KEY made a late appearance with his gal pal and a couple of buddies from Queens. They had just returned from the Jets game and feeling very... "nice". His friends were entertaining me with funny stories of LOW-KEY's past and I have to say, he's funnier that I thought. They all speak very highly of him, and I can see why. He's a good guy and a riot to boot. They stayed for a few and eventually left.

By that time, the bar had finally emptied out and that signaled the end of another eventful Sunday.... Can't wait till next week! I'm sure i've forgotten a few tidbits from the weekend; feel free to add your two cents on the comment board!



Anonymous said...

rumor has it that swandad was only in the bar on saturday night for all of 5 minutes- he has no idea what went on that night

swandad said...

If that were only true....i'd actually have a real night off.

Anonymous said...

So which lovely lady was the winner of the 3rd and long hottest bracciole contest?

Anonymous said...

You forgot about the Madame X sighting on Sunday evening